Us Against Alzheimer's by Marita Golden

Author:Marita Golden
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781948924160
Publisher: Arcade
Published: 2019-07-23T16:00:00+00:00

SISTER TRAVELERS

MIRIAM DECOSTA-WILLIS

I knew something was wrong when I saw old newspapers stacked in front of her door, unopened presents piled under the dining room table, and the faucet running continuously in the flooded basement. Three months earlier, I had retired, intent upon writing books and hanging out with friends in Washington, where I had lived for a decade. I realized, however, that my mother needed help, so I decided to spend two or three days in Baltimore every week to take her to medical appointments, assist with her finances, and get the house in order.

I look back on that time, between the first signs of her health problem in late 1999 and her death in 2008, with mixed feelings: grief and guilt but also great joy and gratitude. I grieved for the mother—the funny, adventurous, courageous woman—whom I once described in an essay. But reading through my journals, I also remember the guilt that I felt for my impatience, bossiness, and failure to bring her to live with me. Instead, I rationalized that my lifestyle was too hectic for Mother in her declining years, because of my travel abroad and frequent trips to Memphis.

At times, I was exhausted by the caretaking: cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, paying bills, balancing checkbooks, handling unreported tax returns, and renovating the house. Mother once turned to me in anger and exclaimed, “You’re killing me! Things are too rushed.” Sometimes, I had to laugh at the two of us, who were so much alike—independent and stubborn women, determined to have our own way. For example, I threw out trash bags filled with old dishes and rundown shoes but, when I turned my back, Mother brought all her “precious stuff” back into the house. I outfoxed her, though, once I caught on to her game. I took those bags back to Washington and dumped them in the trash can there. Another time, a truck driver came, at my request, to take away old furniture from her damp, moldy basement. Mother didn’t fuss at her caregiver (me!), but she yelled at the truck driver, “You’re taking all my things! I’m going to call the police!”

The fall of 1999 was difficult for both of us, because it was a period of uncertainty and adjustment. Mother became increasingly forgetful and a bit “spaced out.” She had little appetite, lost weight, and stayed in bed a lot—signs of depression. I suspected, too, that she was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s, because she sometimes couldn’t pronounce her words clearly and had a vacant look in her eyes. We were both familiar with the disease, because my stepfather had been diagnosed with AD, and Mother took care of him until she had to place him in a nursing home, where he died in 1998. In late September, my only sibling—and her favorite child—died suddenly in Albuquerque. Those two deaths, so close together, undoubtedly affected Mother’s health. Meanwhile, I had five days to arrange my brother’s cremation, write his obituary, and hold the memorial service, before leaving for Memphis, where my daughter was due to give birth.

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